My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I wish there were birth control emojis
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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