Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
