people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
