Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
