yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
It's just like the Real World with babies
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
