Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize