May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
