The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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