I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
