There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
