I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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