Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
