Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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