I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize