i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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