At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
