Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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