Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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