Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
