Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I AM VODKA MAN
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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