she woke up with a sticky ear
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
