She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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