I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize