just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
