I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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