i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
