we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
