I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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