you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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