***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
