My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
