Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
