VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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