my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My Higher Power is John Stamos
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
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