my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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