Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
