im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
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