how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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