It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
