wanna go halves on a baby?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
