Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize