I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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