I wannas sexs uuuuu
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
