Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
