Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
