Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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