You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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