I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
