Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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