I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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