nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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