So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
pop tarts are not kleenex
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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