dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
