You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I am midnight drunk by noon
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize