does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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