Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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