You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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