I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
