so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
