Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
smell my finger.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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