I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Randomize
