party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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