I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
