I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize