Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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