Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
only you would photoshop your dick
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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