so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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