You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
