She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
